Self-acceptance -
Cultivating Self-Compassion, Letting Go of Guilt , and Learning to Forgive Ourselves. Accepting ourselves unconditionally would have been almost automatic had our parents conveyed a predominantly positive message about us—and we grew up in a generally supportive environment.
But if that wasn't the case, we need on our own to learn how to "certify" ourselves, to validate our essential OK-ness. And I'm hardly suggesting that independently confirming ourselves has anything to do with becoming complacent, only that we get over our habit of constantly judging ourselves. If deep within us we're ever to experience, as our normal state of being, personal fulfillment, and peace of mind, we must first rise to the challenge of complete, unqualified self-acceptance.
As Robert Holden puts it in his book Happiness Now! In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you'll allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy. In other words, you enjoy as much happiness as you believe you're worthy of [emphasis added].
Perhaps more than anything else, cultivating self-acceptance requires that we develop more self-compassion. Only when we can better understand and pardon ourselves for things that earlier we assumed must be all our fault can we secure the relationship to self that till now has eluded us.
To adopt a more loving stance toward ourselves—the key prerequisite for self-acceptance—we must come to realize that until now we've pretty much felt obliged to demonstrate our worth to others, just as initially we concluded that we had to submit to the judgmental authority of our caretakers.
Our approval-seeking behaviors since then have simply reflected the legacy of our parents' conditional love. Undertaking such a heartfelt exploration of what I'd call our well-nigh "universal plight" almost inevitably generates increased self-compassion.
It's through this compassion that we can learn to like ourselves more, and view ourselves as deserving of love and respect by the very "virtue" of our willingness to confront what previously we've found so difficult to accept about ourselves. In a sense, we all bear "conditional-love scars" from the past.
We're all among the ranks of the "walking wounded. To become more self-accepting, we must start by telling ourselves that given all of our negatively biased self-referencing beliefs, we've done the best we possibly could.
In this light, we need to re-examine residual feelings of guilt, as well as our many self-criticisms and put-downs. We must ask ourselves specifically what it is we don't accept about ourselves and, as agents of our own healing, bring compassion and understanding to each aspect of self-rejection or denial.
By doing so, we can begin to dissolve exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame , based on standards that simply didn't mirror what could realistically be expected of us at the time. The famous French expression, "Tout comprendre, c'est tout excuser" "to understand all is to pardon all" is a dictum that we ought to apply at least as much to ourselves as to others.
For the more we can grasp why in the past we were compelled to act in a particular way, the more likely we'll be able both to excuse ourselves for this behavior and avoid repeating it in the future. Becoming more self-accepting necessitates that we begin to appreciate that, ultimately, we're not really to blame for anything—whether it's our looks, intelligence , or any of our more questionable behaviors.
Our actions have all been compelled by some combination of background and biology. Going forward, we certainly can take responsibility for ways we've hurt or mistreated others. But if we're to productively work on becoming more self-accepting, we must do so with compassion and forgiveness in our hearts.
We need to realize that, given our internal programming up to that point, we could hardly have behaved differently. To take ourselves off the hook and gradually evolve to a state of unconditional self-acceptance, it's crucial that we adopt an attitude of "self-pardon" for our transgressions.
In the end, we may even come to realize that there's nothing to forgive. Regardless of what we may have concluded earlier, we were, in a sense, always innocent—doing the best we could, given:.
That which, finally, determines the most problematic behavior is linked to common psychological defenses.
It almost borders on cruel for us to blame ourselves, or hold ourselves in contempt, for acting in ways that at the time we thought we had to in order to protect ourselves from anxiety , shame, or emotional distress. As a kind of P.
to the above, self-acceptance also involves our willingness to recognize and make peace with parts of the self that until now may have been denied or shunned. I'm referring here to our illicit or anti-social impulses—our shadow self , which may have spooked or sabotaged us in the past.
Still, it represents an essential part of our nature and must be functionally integrated if we are to become whole. As long as we refuse to accept split-off segments of self, full and unconditional self-acceptance will remain forever out of reach.
When we're able to sympathetically understand the origin of these darker, recessive fragments, any self-evaluation rooted in them begins to feel not only uncharitable but unjust as well. The fact is that virtually everybody harbors forbidden impulses and fantasies —whether they entail brutally injuring someone we find obnoxious, exercising unbridled power over others, or running naked in the streets.
When we're able to recognize this, we're also well on the way to accepting ourselves without conditions. Appreciating that however bizarre or egregious most of our "evil imaginings" are, probably little more than fantasized compensations for indignities, hurts, or deprivations we experienced in the past, we can now reconceive our "aberrations" as rather normal.
Further, even as we come to accept our shadow side we can still maintain voluntary control over how these parts of us are expressed—that is, in ways that can ensure safety both to ourselves and others. As long as we've been able to re-connect to our deepest, truest self, we'll be coming from a place of love and caring.
As such, it really isn't in us to do anything that would violate our natural tendencies toward compassion and identification with all humanity. Owning and integrating our various facets is a transcendent experience. And when we no longer feel separate from others, any sinister motive to do them harm literally disappears.
It should be apparent that self-acceptance has nothing to do with self-improvement. It isn't about "fixing" anything in ourselves. With self-acceptance, we're just affirming who we are, with whatever strengths and weaknesses we possess. The problem with any focus on self-improvement is that such an orientation inevitably makes self-acceptance conditional.
After all, we can't ever feel totally secure or good enough so long as our self-regard depends on constantly bettering ourselves. Self-acceptance is here-and-now oriented, not future-oriented.
Self-acceptance is about already being okay, with no qualifications, period. It's not that we ignore or deny our faults or frailties, just that we view them as irrelevant to our basic acceptability.
Finally, we set the standards for our self-acceptance. And once we decide to stop grading ourselves, or keeping score with ourselves, we can adopt an attitude of non-evaluative forgiveness. In fact, once we refrain from our lifelong habit of assessing, and reassessing ourselves—striving rather to compassionately understand our past behaviors—we'll find that there's really nothing to forgive.
Certainly, we can vow to do better in the future, but we can nonetheless accept ourselves precisely as we are today, regardless of our shortcomings.
I can't emphasize enough that it's possible to accept and love ourselves and still be committed to a lifetime of personal growth. Accepting ourselves as we are today doesn't mean we'll be without the motivation to make changes or improvements that will make us more effective, or that will enrich our lives.
It's simply that this self-acceptance is in no way tied to such alterations. We don't have to actually do anything to secure our self-acceptance: We have only to change the way we look at ourselves. Changing our behaviors becomes solely a matter of personal preference, not a prerequisite for greater self-regard.
It's really about coming from a radically different place. If self-acceptance is to be "earned," a result of working hard on ourselves, then it's conditional. The ongoing "job" of accepting ourselves can never be completed.
For the message we're giving ourselves is that we're only as worthwhile as our latest achievement. We can never finally "arrive" at a position of self-acceptance because we've inadvertently defined our quest for such acceptance as everlasting.
In holding ourselves to such perfectionistic standards, however, we may inadvertently be validating how our own conditionally-loving parents dealt with us. But we're certainly not validating ourselves —or treating ourselves with the kindness and consideration our parents failed adequately to provide for us.
Only when we're able to give ourselves unqualified approval—by developing greater self-compassion and focusing much more on our positives than negatives—can we, at last, forgive ourselves for our faults, as well as relinquish our need for others' approval.
No doubt we've made mistakes. But then, so has everybody else. And in any case, our identity is hardly equal to our mistakes. Recent Examples on the Web The actor-musician's journey to sobriety and self-acceptance took years. Word History. First Known Use. Time Traveler. See more words from the same year.
Dictionary Entries Near self-acceptance. self-accelerating self-acceptance self-accusation See More Nearby Entries. Cite this Entry. com Dictionary , s. com dictionary. Copy Citation.
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Posted September 10, Selr-acceptance by Lybi Ma. Though related, self-acceptance is not the same as self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem refers Sel-facceptance to how Self-acceptance, or worthwhile, Performance optimization techniques see Self-acceptance, self-acceptance Nutritional bioactives from plant sources to Self-acceptanc far more global affirmation of self. When we're self-accepting, we're able to embrace all facets of ourselves—not just the positive, more "esteem-able" parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses or limitations, but this awareness in no way interferes with our ability to fully accept ourselves. I regularly tell my therapy clients that if they genuinely want to improve their self-esteem, they need to explore what parts of themselves they're not yet able to accept. Have you ever thought that Self-accetpance accepted yourself Herbal caffeine alternative, only to Selr-acceptance there were conditions Self-acceptance upon that Fueling strategies for tempo runs There was Self-acceptance point in my life when I realized I had stopped Nutritional bioactives from plant sources tangible progress with Self-acceptanec emotions, self-esteem, and habits. I began my first truly healthy relationship in years, had a small freelance business that was thriving, and even became a certified yoga teacher. I was no longer a slave to self-doubt and social anxiety like I was in college. Despite knowing how critical it was to stop doing this, the sense of self-doubt seemed overwhelming and inevitable at times. Upon realizing that these issues were still present, I promptly abandoned myself. I was ashamed of feeling shame.
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